It is the middle of the night again, almost 4 AM, and my heart will not settle. I am scared, nervous, hopeful, and thankful all at the same time. My next CT scan is Tuesday, December 2, and I can feel the weight of it pressing on my chest. These scans are not just images on a screen. They are the line between fear and hope, between life shrinking and life expanding.
A Miracle I Still Cannot Explain
Back in September, I walked into that CT room expecting to hear how many months I had left. Instead, I heard something I still struggle to believe: my stage four cancer had started to shrink. Shrink. A word I thought had disappeared from my story forever. It felt like God reached into my world and said, “Not yet. Not this time.”
And now here I am again, the day before my next scan, praying with everything in me that another miracle is waiting. I have been fighting with everything the doctors ordered, including Keytruda, and everything God placed in my path, including high-dose IV vitamin C, Ivermectin, Fenbendazole, supplements and vitamins, red light therapy, sunlight therapy, and the carnivore diet. Somehow, all of it together gave me a chance. I am praying that the chance continues.
The Cost Nobody Sees
The truth is, this journey has broken me in more ways than one. When radiation and chemotherapy damaged the nerve to my vocal cords, my voice faded to a whisper. Just like that, I went from making over $150,000 plus a year to zero. Overnight. The financial pain has been almost as heavy as the physical pain. Not being able to work, collect unemployment, or contribute to my family’s needs has been devastating.
Now I juggle the cost of three-hundred-dollar weekly infusions, credit card minimums, mortgage payments, a desperately needed timing belt for the Honda Pilot, groceries, supplements, ALA nerve treatments, and an endless list of medical and non-medical bills that never stop coming. On top of that, muscle spasms and nerve damage in my neck have limited the use of my left arm. I never imagined I would struggle to lift my arm or turn my head. But this is what cancer takes.
Fighting for Hope When Others Need It Too
And yet, through the fear, God keeps placing people in my path. More than six people have reached out because they or someone they love is facing cancer just like me. They are terrified because their cancer is growing even through radiation, chemo, and immunotherapy. I tell them the truth. There is hope. There is always hope. We can fight cancer with doctor-ordered treatments, with prayer, and with every alternative therapy that might support healing. I want them to live. I want them to hear the same miracle I heard in September.
But tonight, fear sits heavy on my chest too. Tuesday feels like the day my future gets revealed all over again. I am praying so hard that this scan shows more shrinking, more healing, more time. For my family. For the people watching me. For the people I have promised to help. Our families feel every piece of this. They carry the weight too.
A Confession I Need to Share
I need to admit something, and it is not easy. Part of my treatment is staying strict on the carnivore diet. And I slipped. Thanksgiving hit me hard. I ate mashed potatoes, dressing, and desserts. Sugar. Carbs. Comfort. I told myself it was the holiday and that I deserved a break, but the truth is, cancer feeds on sugar. I know this. I fear it. And I feel guilty for slipping.
To my supporters, I am sorry. Truly. I am human, and I was weak. But with God’s help, I can be strong again. I need to get back to what helps me heal. I need to give myself the best chance. I want this ugly thing out of my body. I want to live.
Thank you for every prayer, every kind word, every moment of support. I need it more than I can express. Please keep me in your prayers for this scan. Be strong when I feel weak. And I promise I will be strong when someone else needs me.
If you feel moved, leave a comment on my blog at WaynesCancerJourney.com. Hearing from you reminds me that I am not fighting alone.
With love, fear, faith, and hope,
Wayne
“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.”
Isaiah 40:29